In every programme I run—whether it’s on leadership, management, or communication—the question of how to be assertive always comes up. It’s one of those evergreen topics that never loses relevance and consistently sparks rich discussion. Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on this question—both professionally and personally.
In fact, I’ve been thinking about it ever since I stood nervously in front of 1,000 peers at school to deliver the sports report. Just as I started, my headmaster, Mr Isaacs, kindly whispered in my ear, “You can speak up if you want, Nick!” Finding confidence in my own voice has always been my challenge.
Assertiveness isn’t something you master overnight. It’s a journey—and everyone’s path looks a little different. What I share here is my road, my perspective. My hope is that it offers a few useful signposts for discovering your own.
1. What Is Assertiveness, Really?
Assertiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about being aggressive, forceful, or domineering. Nor is it about being passive—shrinking into the background and sidelining our needs for the sake of others. Assertiveness exists in that nuanced middle space—a space that can feel elusive and hard to define.
At its heart, assertiveness is the ability to stand up for ourselves, to speak our truth clearly and confidently, while still respecting others. It’s about expressing what we feel, think, and need in a way that is honest, constructive, and positive. It’s not about winning or controlling the conversation—it’s about communicating with clarity and integrity.
While that might sound straightforward on paper, in practice, it takes intention, courage, and consistent effort.
2. The Mindset Behind Assertiveness: “I’m OK, You’re OK”
At the core of assertiveness is a mindset—what I call the “I’m OK, You’re OK” philosophy. This idea originates from Transactional Analysis, a psychological framework developed by Eric Berne and later popularised by Dr. Thomas A. Harris in his 1967 book I’m OK – You’re OK.
This mindset reflects a powerful belief: I have value, and so do you. I am worthy of respect, and so are you.
When we operate from this place, we communicate more openly and compassionately. We no longer see conversations as win-lose. We let go of defensiveness and the need to dominate.
Instead, we thrive.
3. Four Quadrants: Understanding Our Interactions
To explore this mindset further, imagine four quadrants that represent how we view ourselves and others:
a. I’m OK, You’re OK
This is the ideal state. Here, we feel emotions like trust, joy, and openness. We’re collaborative and grounded in mutual respect. Assertiveness flows naturally—we’re not threatened by others, nor do we feel the need to build walls.
b. I’m OK, You’re Not OK
This mindset fuels control, dominance, and even bullying. We see ourselves as superior and others as deficient. Conversations become battles. While this can appear confident, it’s usually driven by insecurity.
c. I’m Not OK, You’re OK
This is the home of self-doubt. We become apologetic, overly accommodating, and hesitant to express our needs. Ironically, this can frustrate others, who may perceive our vagueness or deference as a problem in itself.
d. I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK
This is a place of emotional withdrawal—marked by apathy and hopelessness. We see no value in ourselves or others. Assertiveness has no place here because it feels like there’s no point in speaking up at all.
Recognising which quadrant we’re in at any given time helps us understand our emotional state—and shows us where we may need to shift.
4. Moving to “I’m OK, You’re OK”: Building Energy for Assertiveness
So how do we move toward this ideal state?
The answer lies in energy management. As explored in The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, and echoed in the work of executive coach Lucy Ryan, the key to sustainable performance isn’t time management—it’s energy management: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
When we’re drained, we default to survival modes—aggression, passivity, or withdrawal. But when we replenish ourselves—through rest, reflection, and support—we create the inner capacity for assertiveness.
This is why rest and coaching aren’t luxuries. They’re essentials. They help us return to balance, and from that balance, assertiveness can emerge.
One profound insight from this work is this: To do nothing is to move toward burnout. If we don’t actively restore ourselves, we risk slipping into one of the non-assertive quadrants. Assertiveness isn’t just a skill—it’s a reflection of how we manage ourselves.
5. What Gets in the Way? Understanding Inner Resistance
Even with all this insight, many people still find it difficult to be assertive. They know what to say—but can’t bring themselves to say it. They know they deserve to speak up—but hesitate.
Why?
The answer often lies in inner resistance—that critical voice that whispers: You’re not good enough. You’ll mess it up. Who do you think you are?
These internal saboteurs—sometimes called gremlins—are often behind our procrastination and self-sabotage. They’re the voices of past conditioning. But here’s the good news: we can change them.
6. Rewiring the Brain: Tips from Positive Intelligence
Shirzad Chamine, in Positive Intelligence, offers powerful tools for shifting these internal narratives. His framework boils down to three practical steps:
a. Acknowledge the Voice
The first step is awareness. Notice when your inner critic shows up. Give it a name if you like. The simple act of noticing begins to loosen its grip.
b. Do the Right Thing Anyway
Courage doesn’t mean we aren’t afraid. It means we act despite fear. Each time you speak up when your inner critic says “Don’t,” you’re creating new neural pathways—ones that reinforce confidence.
c. Practice, Practice, Practice
Assertiveness is a muscle. The more you use it—by setting boundaries, expressing needs, or simply stating your opinion—the stronger it gets. With practice, what once felt scary becomes second nature.
7. Final Thoughts: Your Road to Assertiveness
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: there is no single road to assertiveness. My path won’t look exactly like yours. But we all share some common building blocks—self-awareness, mindset, energy, and practice.
Being assertive doesn’t mean you’re fearless. It doesn’t mean you always get it right. It means you value yourself and others. It means you speak up—not to control, but to connect. Not to win, but to be heard and to listen.
Assertiveness isn’t just a communication technique—it’s a way of being. It’s how we show up in the world, how we express our truth, and how we make room for others to do the same.
If you’re on this journey, take heart. You’re not alone. And every time you choose clarity, kindness, and courage, you are already on the right road.
